Advocate's Book Review: TIME'S UP by Susan Murphy-Milano

“Been there, done that…” Susan Murphy- Milano has turned a tired phrase into demonstrable realism through the gift of her newly published book, TIME'S UP: A GUIDE ON HOW TO LEAVE AND SURVIVE ABUSIVE AND STALKING RELATIONSHIPS. Susan’s writing is based on doing. It is based on the irrefutable credential of experience, both as a residual victim of interpersonal violence and a tireless advocate for others who suffer. This book is born from working in the trenches for twenty years and the necessity of crafting working solutions to help ensure individual safety from batters and stalkers.

TIMES UP is a comprehensive guide for women in danger. Every advocate owes it to those they work to assist to obtain this book.The contents provide specific steps towards safety and addresses issues that a person who is stressed and in fear may not think of. This guide can provide structure in the midst of chaos.

Among the tools and forms is the original idea of an “Abuse Affidavit”, a sworn statement detailing the facts of an individual’s victimization, preserving the specifics so they are not lost even if the victim is. It is difficult to think about speaking from the grave but no different than any life insurance policy obtained in consideration for those left behind.

An “Abuse Affidavit” has the additional psychological benefit of being forced face reality and admit that the potential for the ultimate kind of violence exists…and that if it occurs the perpetrator will be held accountable.

Purchase and read TIMES UP as an advocate to continue to learn and practice informed advocacy. Give TIMES UP to concerned friends or family members looking for solutions for a loved one who is in danger. Most of all, find a way to share this valuable guide with the domestic violence and stalking victims you know and work with. It has all the information and tools to empower a crime victim to save her own life.

Transitioning from Victim to Survivor to Advocate - Part 1

Victim -> Survivor -> Advocate

The journey from being a crime victim to serving as a crime victim advocate is a journey of healing. In order to be healthy and responsible in the role of advocate there is a series of transitions that are absolutely necessary to be effective.

Most people have been victimized to some degree in their lives, whether by cruelty, politics, economics, disease, accident or even the weather. Victims of domestic and sexual violence experience the most personal and intimate violence that one person can perpetrate upon another. It is the ultimate betrayal that shakes a victim to the core.

A victim of interpersonal violence must necessarily focus on the most basic needs - safety, mental and physical health and just getting through the day. Life is constant chaos - emotions range from shock, guilt, fear, rage, lack of control, humiliation and powerlessness, not to mention the physical manifestations both obvious and unseen. Trauma colors our perceptions.

Once a victim of interpersonal violence is able to remove herself and establish a modicum of safety and peace, healing begins. Part of the healing process is the recognition that we are so much more than those experiences. We recognize that "victim" is not our identity, but part of our experience. Life did not stop at the betrayal and violence. Healing is choosing not to let your experience consume you. If we maintain a victim mentality we give our abusers amazing power while abandoning and denying ourselves. As a survivor we reclaim our lives.

The process from victim to survivor is one that takes time and distance. Coping skills form for the times you must be reminded of your pain but you've learned to protect yourself emotionally. You've taken his power over you away. Everyone has their own process - going through criminal and/ or civil court, self-defense training, therapy, journaling, participating in support groups or talking to friends and family and building a life free from fear. It is important to recognize that it is a process. Healing does not happen overnight.

In the next post I will address the transition from survivor to victim advocate and the necessary boundaries that must be established. Please consider these definitions from Webster:

Victim - (Casualty, target) :
*One that is acted on and adversely affected by a force or agent
*One that is injured, destroyed or sacrificed under any of various conditions
*One that is subjected to oppression, hardship or mistreatment.
*One that is tricked or duped
Survivor:
*To remain or live after someone's death
*To continue to exist or live after
*To continue to function or prosper after and despite of
Advocate-(promoter, booster, champion, supporter):
*One that pleads the case of another
*One that defends or maintains a cause or proposal
*One that supports or promotes the interests of another

Personal:
*Relating or affecting a particular person
*Relating to an individual
Healing:
*To make whole or sound
*Restore to health
*Return to sound state
*To cause an undesirable condition to be overcome
Altruistic:
*Unselfish regard for or devotion to the welfare of others

http://www.cbwhit.com/Victim-to-survivor.htm

How to Talk to Victims of Domestic Violence

Excuses used NOT to get involved : you should not get involved in a private family matter or the violence can’t really be that bad, she must be doing something to provoke the violence, I know him and really don’t think he could hurt anyone.

Domestic violence is not a family matter. It is a crime with serious repercussions for your friends, children, and the entire community. It results in more injuries that require medical attention than rape, auto accidents and muggings combined. A victim of abuse is never to blame for another person’s choice to use violence against her.

Finally many abusers are not violent in other relationships and can even be charming in social situations indicating they are not out of control but channel their behavior where they feel they can get away with it. At home, behind closed doors.

What can you do?

• Listen to them, believe them.
• Assure them that it is not their fault.
• Do not pass judgment on them or the person that hurt them.
• Tell them about support services that are available.
• Ask if they are safe right now.
• If they are in immediate danger call 911